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Single for awhile now. And I'm okay with it. Except I've been keeping multiple people, including my most recent ex, waiting, somehow making them all think I was down to date. From this moment on I will not date anyone unless I truly feel for them, and honestly think that things are going to work. I need to find the difference between infatuation and actually falling in love, because although the line is fine, it's most definitely there. I'm looking for someone who will be there for me, but not smother me. Who has ambition and knows what they're doing in life. Someone who will support me, but at the same time, also let me take care of them. I know I'm still extremely young, and will meet many more people, I just know that this part of my life engulfs me completely. Love is happiness, and happiness is love.
I have a boyfriend. I'm happy as hell.

It's just times like this, at night, all alone. That I fear the worst. Scared shitless about everything in my life. :/
First Christmas alone.

And I can't deny the fact that yeah, I am lonely.
basking in old memories, forgetting who and where i am, just for one moment.
i miss everyone and everything i used to associate with. i feel so empty lately. 
no one understands me and i don't relate to anything.
more alone than ever.
I'm glad I'm single. I'm glad you're fucking the girl you've been talking to behind my back. I hope you guys have an extremely long-lasting, beautiful relationship. I, on the other hand, am alone and unhappy, as I always will be. I guess it's better than being lied to everyday and having to wonder if you're thinking of me, or actually of her. Although I am unhappy, I am somewhat relieved. Always looking for something I cannot and will not ever have. Running around in circles until death does part. I have never felt so utterly and completely out of it. I don't feel like myself anymore, and it scares the shit out of me. I keep pushing away the ones that are close to me, just to be alone again in the end. 

I'm not meant to be alive or something.
 It's really sad that you don't want me, because right now you're the only thing I can think about. I'm head over heels, once again, and I knew this would happen. I want you more than anything I have in a really long time, but I know that it's never going to work out. I feel as if I'm going to be alone forever due to this simple fact. I'm not sure what makes you want me in the first place, but once you get what you want; you always leave. 

I'm a wreck right now and I have no idea what to do. I really need to stop getting my hopes up and actually just try to figure out what I want out of life.
 It's funny, this is the only place I can actually say exactly what's on my mind, because I know that no one will see this or judge me, but it's still out in the open.   I've been feeling even shittier than ever lately, and I don't know how to control it. I've been thinking about my life and how there's really no point to it. I'll live my life, trying to make lots of money, more than likely failing, and trying to make myself happy the rest of my life. I don't think there's a way that I can some how enjoy the little things in life. I really wish I could, I just simply can't. I'm always thinking and worrying about my life and what's going to happen next. I figure that I'll go through my life, be mostly miserable, maybe happy at a few parts, but that's it. Then I'll simply die and be reincarnated. And that scares the living shit out of me, because then I'll just have to live another shitty life. I don't want to be alive, but then again I simply cannot bring myself to dying either. I feel that either way, I'm pretty much being punished. The only reason I post on this site, is because I know that no one will feel any pity for me, because no one will ever see it. I sometimes feel as if I want peoples pity, but then I feel like others will think that I'm annoying. I don't even know to explain anything anymore. I feel as if my mind is a giant jumble and that I'll never be able to untangle it. I have no plans for my future, and I honestly wish that I would just die young. I'm not happy, and I really don't think I ever will be.
 Wallowing in self-pity. Yeah, I'm pathetic, I get it. I don't want your sympathy, I only want my own. I'm so sick of you lying to me, and me lying to you in return. I need to get the fuck out of Michigan and make a clean break from everyone that I'm in contact with right now. Less than a year, no one will have any recollection of me. That's just how things are. Out of sight, out of mind. I think that will be the only thing that'll make me happy, and it won't leave anyone hurting too bad. I just can't deal with the weight of this anymore, it's starting to get too heavy.



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June 2012


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